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             MY GENDER DIVERSITY TRAINING EXPERIENCE

                               or

                  How I Think I Finally Got It

                               or

        Some Other Catchy Title I Haven't Thought of Yet

                          by Dave Boyd

                        January 24, 1993

                     Minor revision 5/19/94

INTRODUCTION

     I'll never understand what these women are complaining about.  This seems

to me like a perfectly fine place to work, and I'm tired of hearing about how

bad it is.  Let's just get back to work and produce something.

     At least that's how I've felt at different times in the past.  Well,

maybe I exaggerated it a little, but you know what I mean.

     But I've just returned from two days of background training as part of my

service on XXX Division's Gender Action Team, and I think I've seen just a

little of the light, and I want to tell you about it.

     Now, I'm not going to repeat all the concepts and theories I was taught

at my two-day session.  I don't remember most of them anyway.  In fact, it

wasn't the information that was presented that was important in my discovery.

It was more in the way the training was set up and conducted.  Even then, it

wasn't until two days later that the idea occurred to me.

     So in order to explain my newfound insight, I'm going to describe the

training session from the skeptical male point of view I held throughout.

I'll try to keep it interesting.

BACKGROUND

     Women are leaving XXX Division in disproportionate numbers.  That's

what was noticed first.  Now, it's tempting to explain this away by saying

that women will always leave in higher numbers because of societal pressures

beyond our control.  Maybe they left to follow husbands who got transferred,

or left to become full-time parents - things men rarely do.

     But no, based on exit interviews with departing employees, it has become

more and more evident that at least some women are leaving XXX Division

because they just plain don't like it here.

     After this became undeniable, the division set out to learn more by

conducting focus groups with a fairly large sample of the site employee

population.  Sixty people from the site participated in the focus groups.  The

groups represented a cross-section of the site population, but intentionally

contained mostly women.

     And guess what?  Many of the women expressed dissatisfaction with the

work environment here.  And some of the men could see it.

     Well of course the next step is to survey the _entire_ site population,

to determine exactly how widespread the dissatisfaction is, and to try to

determine what, if anything, can be done to ease it.

THE GENDER ACTION TEAM IS BORN

     The outside consultant who performed the focus groups has prepared the

survey, and it will be administered soon.  But the job of interpreting the

results and making recommendations for action should logically come from

someone more familiar with the inner workings of the division, and should

probably come from a committee representing a broad cross section of the

population.

     Thus the Gender Action Team.  This is the group that spent two days at

Sylvandale Ranch in mid-January getting some background training.  And that's

how the trouble started.

THE TRAINING

     Now, I've always thought of myself as a fairly enlightened and open-

minded person.  But this gender diversity stuff has sort of bugged me for a

while, as it has a lot of people.  I arrived at the meeting a little

skeptical, but I was honestly willing to learn.

     For most of the two days, the rest of the group consisted of one other

white male engineer, one white male production worker, one hispanic female

production worker, a white female engineering manager, a white female

functional-level manager, a black female member of the marketing staff, a

white female manager from the personnel department, a black female from the

Corporate Diversity Office, and a white female consultant who did most of the

presenting.  There was also a white male presenter, but this was his first

workshop in partnership with this consultant, so his role was fairly limited.

     So essentially (and this is important) the group consisted of _three_

men, none of whom were accustomed to having any management clout, and _seven_

women, _four_ of whom were managers or self-employed.

DAY ONE

     Of course we first introduced ourselves, told what we do at Some Company,

why we were there (Sue Phillips twisted my arm), and what we hoped to

accomplish.  There were a lot of references to "the problem" or "this

problem."  I was eager to learn exactly what this Problem consisted of.

     We then plunged into various theories of group dynamics, resistance to

change, stereotype identification and such like.  I was still eager to learn

and mostly listened intently.

     As the day progressed, it became clear that the women in the room all

agreed that there is a Problem.  All of them seemed to feel some sort of

oppression at work, and they obviously understood each other when they talked

about it.

     But I was still unclear about exactly what The Problem is.  Several of

these women I have worked with or travelled with.  They are articulate,

intelligent people whose opinions I respect, so I concluded that there must be

a Problem.  I still didn't know what it was, but I was determined to find out.

     As the group became more comfortable together, I started asking questions

to try to understand this Problem.  I said things like, "Well, I see that

these women whose opinions I respect have some dissatisfactoin with their work

environment, but I still don't quite understand their feelings.  Can you

explain a little more about that?  What do you want that you're not getting?"

     And the women said things like, "We just want to work in a supportive

environment."

     I tried again.  "What do you mean by 'a supportive environment'?"

     "Well, we just want to feel valued as individuals."

     Still unsure, I said, "I can understand that, but what about the

environment at XXX Division makes you feel that you're not valued?"

     "We just want men to get a clue."

     I tried still harder.  "What kinds of things happen to you that make you

feel unsupported?  Can you give me and example of something that might happen

to make you feel devalued?"

     "Well, it's not just one thing.  It's the cumulative effect."

     One more try.  "The cumulative effect of things like what?  The men I

know don't intentionally devalue women, and very few men are actually

perpetrators of harassment or blatant discrimination.  But I can imagine that

we are socialized with attitudes we don't even recognize ourselves.  I can

imagine men acting in ways that are unintentionally hurtful to women, and most

of us would stop it if we knew what it was.  Can you give me just one

example?"

     "Well, it's very subtle.  It's just not a supportive environment.  We

just want to feel valued as individuals."

     So I decided to give up for a while and listen some more.  Maybe if I

just listened to the conversation and observed, eventually maybe I would "get

a clue."

     After that, there were more presentations, lots of food, and lots and

lots of references to The Problem.  Even the other men seemed to know the

right words to say.  They would say things like "Well, This Problem offends me

personally, and I want to create an environment where women can feel valued

and supported."  The man who said this would get lots of warm looks, and I

would think to myself, "Way to go, guy!  You've learned the magic words!  But

I still have no idea how This Problem occurs."

     After a while, I got concerned that we weren't discussing the upcoming

employee survey.  Somehow I had gotten the impression that part of our work

for these two days would be to go over the survey questions, refine wordings

here and there, suggest new questions, and generally present the comments we

had carefully prepared.

     That's when I learned that going over the survey wasn't even on the

agenda for the two days.  This was to be two days of "team building" and

"background training" to prepare us for our real task.  Well, I thought we

were already a pretty good team, and I wondered if it really took two days to

convince everyone else, but I could tell that wouldn't be the politically

correct thing to say at that point.

     About that time, the facilitator said something like, "I think we should

take some time now and just evaluate our feelings about where we are and what

we've accomplished so far."  I tried not to roll my eyes.  These pauses for

reflection happened every few hours, and I usually mumbled something like,

"I'm still listening and evaluating."

     At some point, I was even asked, "What does it mean to be a man at

Some Company?"  I had no idea then what that question meant, and I still

have no idea.  I noticed the women didn't seem to mind talking about what it

means to be a woman at Some Company.

     Mercifully, the first day ended.  By now I was very frustrated at being

taunted with, blamed for, and otherwise surrounded by The Problem and not

being any closer to understanding exactly how The Problem manifests itself.  I

couldn't remember why I let myself be talked into serving on this team, and I

even considered withdrawing.

DAY TWO

     After a "rustic" sleeping experience in a cabin (at least my night was

less rustic than some) I awoke determined to learn the secret of The Problem.

By this time a Neanderthal voice was chanting in the back of my head, "Me want

data.  Me want data."  I resolved to be more assertive and specific in my

questioning, and if I emerged a boorish white male who just didn't get it,

then I could at least say I tried.

     I don't remember what the morning presentation was about.  I was waiting

for that opportune moment, when I would ask the right questoin and learn the

secret.

     At one point (I don't remember what we were talking about) the female

presenter turned to the male presenter and said "Why don't you tell your story

now?"

     He looked puzzled and said, "What story?"

     "You know, your story."

     He tried again.  "Can you give me a hint?"

     "Your story from lunch."

     Still bewildered, he said, "We talked about a lot of things at lunch; can

you be a little more specific?"

     Eventually they got it worked out, but to me that was a perfect metaphor

for how my day-and-a-half had gone.  The women knew something, and I was

trying to find out what it was.  But every time I asked I just got an

enigmatic rephrasing of the last enigmatic answer I'd gotten.

     By now, almost all of the discussion was among the women.  The men just

sort of faded into the background and spoke only when they were spoken to.

     Finally during yet another discussion of this elusive Problem, I gave it

my best shot:  "I'm feeling a real need for some data here.  I see these

intelligent, successful women whose opinioins I really respect, and who are

obviously uncomfortable working at XXX Division.  I'm convinced that there

is A Problem, but honestly, I'm still having trouble putting my finger on just

how it manifests itself.  If I could just have one example of a subtle

behavior that devalues women it would go a long way toward helping me

understand."

     Surely I couldn't ask more eloquently than that.  Surely this would

produce a flood of examples and my need would be met, and I could face my

fellow men at Some Company and say, "Now I understand."

     But alas, no.  Even this passionate plea produced a flood of comments

like:

     "It's hard to explain because it's so subtle.  It's not just one thing,

but it's the slow accumulation of years of tiny slights."

     and:

     "XXX Division is just not a friendly place for women to work."

     By now the women were talking to each other again:

     "It's just hard to go there knowing how it is.  You just know that

somehow you don't fit in, but the men just don't seem to get it."

     "It's how men have the power, you know, and women just aren't respected

and valued.  It's really hard to explain, but you just feel it, and it's...

it's... just... (accompanied by an expressive hand gesture) bleahh!"

     At this point all of the women looked at each other, nodded, and smiled

knowingly.  All of the men looked at each other and threw up their hands.

     But I was determined.  Once again, I said, "But I'm really in need of

some data here."

     This time, the facilitator jumped in and said, "Earlier we talked about

trying on each other's ideas.  Maybe instead of asking for more data, you

should try harder to listen and understand the feelings of the women here.

Maybe you should try on their position."

     Then there were a few exchanges which all boiled down to:

     Me:  "I need data."

     Facilitator:  "No you don't."

     Eventually the facilitator would even cut me off if I tried to speak, and

at one unguarded moment even hinted to the personnel representative that

"Maybe we should re-evaluate the composition of this team."

     Soon after that, we had another pause to "examine our feelings about

where we were so far."  All of the women in the room talked excitedly about

how they were having a wonderful time, and how they were so grateful for the

wonderful insights they were getting, and how this team was going to be a

wonderful force for positive change, and they were just thrilled to have this

opportunity.

     The men struggled for more magic words, and I mumbled something about

liking the people on the team.

     And then one of the women interjected, "I just want to say that I really

value having Dave on the team.  I think he brings his own diversity that

represents many others like him, and I think its really valuable that we have

his opposing viewpoint."

     "Wait a minute!" I said.  "I don't _oppose_ anything!  I'm just here

trying to understand this big Problem and nobody will tell me what it is!  I

have nothing to oppose because I still don't have any facts!  I believe that

there _is_ A Problem, but nobody will give me any data!"  I don't very often

speak with exclamation points, but I was genuinely irritated, and felt very

much on the defensive.

     But still we slogged on.  At least to me it was slogging.  The women

seemed to be having a grand time.

     Now in all fairness, I should say that late in the second day, I did

actually hear an example of a subtle behavior that was devaluing to women.

Ironically it wasn't in response to any of my please for examples.  The female

production worker finally said, "One thing I've noticed is that when a male

production worker calls the repair technician to look at a failed unit, the

technician repairs the unit and explains what he did so that the production

worker can handle it the next time that problem occurs.  When I call the

technician to look at a failed unit, he repairs it and leaves.  That tells me

he doesn't think I'm capable of having the same skill or knowledge that the

male production workers can have."

     Now that's data.  That's an example I can wrap my mind around, and I

pounced on it in the meeting.  I said, "That's exactly the kind of example

I've been asking for.  If we could have a list of a hundred behaviors like

this, the men could read it and begin to put together the underlying

principles of this behavior that makes women feel unsupported.  Are there any

more examples anyone can think of?"

     Apparently not.

     Soon after that, the meeting ended and I left for home wondering why in

the world I let myself get talked into this.

THE AFTERMATH

     My next couple of days were not very enjoyable.  The lingering

frustration still ate at me.  As a certifiable analytical, I felt defeated

because I hadn't figured out the puzzle.  I felt inadequately prepared to talk

to other men (or women, for that matter) about what I had (or hadn't) learned.

     I felt blamed for a crime I didn't even remember.  I felt left out

because so many of the group had had a good time and I hadn't.  I felt like

I'd been set up as the outsider, and hadn't been given a chance.  I felt that

no one had made any attempt to communicate with me in language that I could

understand.  In fact I had been cut off when I asked for some communication in

my language.  I was essentially told that my language wasn't valid and that I

should try harder to understand theirs.  I felt like something must be wrong

with me because they all understood each other and I couldn't understand them.

     I felt like my inputs had fallen on deaf ears.  The women found it easier

to talk to each other, so when I asked a question, they answered it to each

other instead of to me.  I felt I had been selected as a token male on the

team, and then not taken seriously.  I felt I had been expected to do all of

the bending to their ways, and nobody had tried to bend to mine.

     I felt outnumbered in this female-dominated environment, and all the talk

about "feelings" made me feel out of place.  When the women tried to reassure

me about how much they valued me, it just felt condescending and forced.  I

felt like the women felt their task would be much easier if I would just go

away.  I even sensed a hint of hostility toward men.

     And through it all, I felt like it would be easier to just quit the team

and go to some other place where I fit in better.

     And that's when it finally hit me:  Now I think I know why women are

leaving XXX Division.

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